Overdose suicide* Ending the constant pain* Falling in to the never ending darkness * The one las ultimate let down.

It’s been a few days since I have had time to sit down a write. Today’s subject is dark, so if you are in a good mood please do not read. So this time of year has always been ver hard for me. Holidays I would alway use because I couldn’t stand to be around my family and family friends unless I was fucked up. Two years ago on that’s giving I overdosed in my car intentionally. I was out for many hours in the local Walmart parking lot. I don’t know what brought be back but by the grace of god I am still here. After I woke up I proceeded to go to my family thanksgiving. When I shot up in the parking lot ours before I hit a nerve in my right hand that it looked like I had had a stroke. My family said nothing and watched me make a complete ass out of myself while I tried to gather my dinner together. This is not being told completely by my memory but a combination of mine and my family’s. So I am and addict and so is my father. My father and mother are still unhappily married to this day. No one would say anything to me when I was this fucked up about anything in fear of pissing me off and me driving away in these conditions killing myself and someone else. My dad blames himself for me being the way I am because of genetics. My bother blamed her self because she enabled me for many years. I myself blame myself. Thanksgiving and the holidays are a rough time of year for addicts. Most likely the addict you know is already extremely depressed and sick of battling the monsters inside themselves.

Do not think your doing something wrong if they push you away. Do not give them money for holidays but rather gift cards or take them for the items they need is your best route in my experience. An addict that overdoses is most likely and addict trying to kill themselves. No matter if they don’t pick up their phone still try to call them. Or stop by to visit them. Being an addict is very lonely. You don’t want to be alone or fuck anyone else over any more but that force to not be sick is so unbelievable strong. The truth is no addict woke up and decided they wanted this for themselves. In all thrush we have big pharmaceutical to blame for this. But pointing the finger at anyone does not make a difference. If someone you love and uses, calls you even if it’s for money don’t get mad and retreat off the phone right away. Try to make conversation with that person let them no that you care but you can no longer enable them.

I have tried to commit suicide by over dosing many times I am lucky I was never successful because I would never want my family to have to go thru that no matter what was said or done between us. Since I am now clean taking the suicide route is so selfish and rude. Especially if you have kids like me yes your child may or may not have another parent but your child needs you. Your child deserves you and the clean version of you. Yes getting sick and going threw withdrawal makes you feel like you wanna die but you don’t actually die! I am now 15 months clean and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. The last time I overdosed I was six months pregnant. I am so lucky no permanent damage was done to me or my babe girl. If you just need someone to talk to comment on here and I will talk to you no matter the time. If me blogging about my shit helps one person I am grateful. Because even though you may not think so there is one person out there that will never give up on you, maybe it’s your mom or Dad, sister or brother, son or daughter, significant other, grandparent, or someone you haven’t even met yet. You will touch someone’s life some day. So please don’t give up on you because I will not give up on you either.

If you made it this far I have one request, Tell someone you care about them or you love them. That your rooting for them whatever the case may be. This world has way to much hate inside of it. We ya humans have way to much hate for other beings even for ourself. So please for me or for yourself just let someone know no matter what you will not give up on them. One wonderful man my grandfather did that for me and even though it took me a few tries and even more slip ups to get where I am I did. When ever I feel myself slipping I hear that wonderful man saying he would never give up on me.

Ranting about work

So I started working for my work in September of 2016. I took two and a half months off due to my pregnancy of my daughter. Well in the past 14 months that I have worked here 10 girls have came and went. In September of 2017 the new girl was hired and she has been here a max of maybe two months. She is the old owner since we got bought out little pet and it pisses me off because 9 months when it was snowing like hell and I shouldn’t have been driving much less going in to work I did. I am a hard worker and rarely miss work. In the past two months this girl has called off and left work early at least 15 times. She has more responsibility then me and is already trying to train people when she is not full trained her self. The hole issue that happened here is I went on pregnancy leave and she was mad I hid the pregnancy.

I don’t like to rant a lot but it pisses me off. But on a good note I took this amazing picture of my youngest daughter and I today. To me it just total shows the love that we have. Drop your thoughts or anything you think I should do to better deal with this situation at hand.

Nov 14 2017 my first time. #poppingmybloggingcherry #heregoesnothing

So here is a little background on me I have a four year old daughter that I lost custody to her dad when she was a little over 2 and a half. I lost custody of her to her father when I decided it would be a good idea to go rob a purse of a women in Walmart while all whacked out of my mind on Xanax. The night before this my boyfriend beat a child out of me. Yes I was about two months pregnant and went to share the news with him. He pushed me down the steps and kicked me repeatedly in the stomach and groan agree till I was bleeding none stop. Besides one other person this is the first time I am telling people about this. I was rapped two times in my life but the pain that has Ben inflicted of loosing a child the way I did was no comparison. Many story’s come from my ex-fiancé daughter now after a year and a half long custody battle lives six days with me and the other fifteen days with her father. This was absolutely horrible and tore me down more I had to do a hair and nail folical test for the judge to give me anymore time with my daughter. The Jude also put my ex-fiancées charges against me as well. I had my mother be my baby sister when I had my daughter for a good 6-9 months and she is a Nazi about the law so she was with me every damn moment I had my daughter.my became very tense between us. My mother is my best friend. Since all that I got pregnant with my ex’s child he thinks she is someone else’s. Yes I know some people are going to think I’m horrible for not telling him but in order for me to get away from him I had to leave and not look back. My youngest daughter is 9 months old and is absolutely gorgeous we’ll both of them are. My youngest is so big compared to my other little girls. My oldest is Lilly and Noel. My girls since I have been clean are my world. I would absolutely die for them in a heart beat. I am on methadone right now and when I come off probation in December for my crimes I will be tampering off so hopefully I will have a friend base and you will be able to cheer me on. So this is me signing off for the night. Leave comments if you want any more info. I am just going to keep you informed of my daily life as a recovering drug addict mother!